This is not a fairytale, there are no happy endings.
Why am I not too cautious of what they call "emo"? It's because, in reality, I am an emo.
I may appear as a simple, cheerful person, but, in reality, I am discontented hater.
I am a frustrated perfectionist.
I am a daydreaming hopeless romantic.
I am a trusting broken-hearted gal.
I am not a princess, this is not a fairytale.
I got that line from the status message of a friend in YM. It stuck so much to me.
I must admit, I am guilty. I have only myself to blame. It was my own fault. I am weak, I am fragile, I am a loser, I am stupid, I am poor, I am nobody.
I cannot pretend anymore, I don't want to pretend anymore.
I am disturbed, I am hurt, I am aching. My heart is bleeding, my eyes are crying. It hurts so much; my broken heart is torn apart.
I was living in a dream of hope, but all I've done is nonsense. All my life is nothing.
I wasn't holding on to something afterall. I wasn't doing something worthy afterall. It was all useless, unworthy.
Are you listening God? Or is the devil the one putting these thoughts in my head? Maybe, Satan's blocking my prayers, and you are letting it, because I am a sinner, because I am a hard-headed child.
Can I even be called your child anymore?
With all the tests, papers, homeworks, recitations, reports, and grades I've had, I could not even know, if you're listening to me when I talk with my mind, when I cry with my heart.
God, are you listening?
Can you feel I'm aching? Can you hear I'm crying? Can you see I'm hurting?
All the people around me do not satisfy me. They even hurt me.
I see. I am discontent.
I don't want a life like this.
Many times, have I gone out of my room, smiling to the people outside.
But inside my room, my pillows are wet.
The soft bed is my only comfort. Inside is my comfort zone.
I don't want to go out anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore.
Lord, I won't go out and feel pain anymore.
Why do you let this happen to me? Why do you let me be hurt? Why did you give such a life to me? Why did you have to make me like this?
I know I'm a sinner; lazy, selfish, stupid, egoistic, irresponsible. But I've asked for help already.
Where is my help? I've prayed for strength, where is it? Why am I weak?
I don't know what is wrong anymore. I am confused. My mind is polluted that I want to get rid of it. I want to break my skull and just throw my mind away.
You give me these family and friends I do not know. Neither do they know me. They are near yet strangers to me. Because not one of them knows me, hears me, feels me, and understands me.
Lord, this emotional and mental pain is the worst pain ever. I am sick. I am not well.
Is this all you have for me? Will I just be like this after today? Tomorrow, what will happen? Will I not change?
The next weeks, will I still go on and live the same way? I want to break out. Shout.
But I'm afraid; the people will stay away from me. I know they will even get mad at me.
It's like this, this world.
I don't know what to do. Oh God. I'm not suicidal.
But I feel dead anyway. And being conscious makes it hurt even more.
This is not the movies, tomorrow is not predictable.
But one thing is for sure, it will be the same hurtful days to come.
Unless, something really awful develops, maybe it will change something.
I can't believe I'm still hopeful.
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