Me | I Did This

I did this to myself. If I fail, it will be because I deserve that punishment.

Last night, I said to myself, I'll sleep first before I study. I closed my eyes and the next time I opened it again, it was already 6:30 am. Although, I knew the time as it passed, I put my mobile phone on alarm in 1 hour intervals. And when it did rang from 11 pm, 12 am, 1 am, 2 am, 3 am, 4 am, 5 am, to 6 am. I turned the alarm off myself. I did not snooze it, I turned it off. And yet, it felt like my slept was so short. I did not have dreams nor nightmares. Nothing. It is true that sleep is a luxury for us medicine students. If you deserve to be rich.

For us poor, useless, lazy, and , sleep is a punishment. You wished you hadn't slept. It is now that I only realize what punishment sleep is. Sleep can be either a reward or a punishment. For me, I had it the scary way.

So the rest of the day went on with a practical exam and theoretical exam on Histology. The pracs - as we like to call the practical exams - was easy. I felt like I could have perfected it. But the unprepared me was prepared to have a hard time. Histology was my confidence, and yet, I could actually take a removal exam on it, or worst, I could fail it. I hope not.

Then the theoretical exam was next. First item on the exam, I couldn't even answer directly and surely. I was sleepy not even halfway to the finish. I was sleepy even though I already slept so much. So it came through me, for a person such as a sleepy me, feeling that addicting pain is a sign of being clueless. Literally.

Going through the answers, I would do my best guess. Shade here and there. I was so eager to pass the papers. More shading here and there as the thoughts of Enchanted Kingdom, tomorrow's CFM exam, money in my bank account, my new pen which I bought because I forget to bring one, and more sleep came into my mind. It was so ironically funny thinking why I have such thoughts, although I do not feel fun at all. I even say, "God, help me. I know it's to much to ask and I don't deserve it, but it would be nice if You help me even though You're punishing me. Still, I'm being punished so, as always and all the more at this moment, You'd still have Your way."

Nonetheless, 1 hour after receiving the brown and white papers. I went out thinking, "at long last!"

Walking and eating afterwards with the dabarkads, as I heard the answers of most of my classmates, and their discussions, I thought to myself, "Wow. We have the same answers."

Then, as if God himself was speaking into my ears, I realized, "Even without your efforts to study, I can still let you shade the correct answers, even if you didn't thought much about it, or analyzed it. With just my help alone, you would pass any exams, easy or hard, long or short. Even with just my wisdom alone."

Yes, if I rely only to my own strength and wisdom, I cannot do anything, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put in. God is giving me an opportunity to do something, something that matters, something is better than nothing. His strength alone can support the whole universe. His wisdom alone created the Earth. If I couple His strength and wisdom with faith, obedience, hard work, and perseverance, surely, I would attain the highest marks any other genius could. Aren't I His child already?

Faith in God's help, character, promises, and love.

Obedience to God's words and commands.

Hard work to make me do my best, not second best, but only the one best I could ever do.

Perseverance to not give up doing my best, resisting temptations, and believing in God.

He supplies with me with all I need, now, it's up to me to do my part of the contract of His promises. If I am punished to fail, I did this to myself.